Monday, August 16, 2004

Catastrophic organ failure: the perfect excuse not to visit the gym

I have been struck down in the prime of my youth. This is not particular accurate: I don't think I'm in the prime of my youth and I have not been struck down. However, I do have a very painful big toe.

Two theories are uppermost in my mind: 1. it has mysteriously broken itself; 2. I have gout. Neither of these prove attractive prospects. I personally favour the broken toe theory, there is something manly and experienced about minor broken bones, they're something you gain during your youth, like a wide variety of sexual partners and memories of wild adventures undertaken under the influence of alcohol. I always hang my head in shame when I have to admit that I am free from all such injuries. Of course, any medical practitioner who seriously considered the possibility of a spontaneously fracturing toe should be struck off immediately (unless they explore further scary topics such as osteoporosis -- am I menopausal? -- or alien abduction), so I have yet to discuss this topic to anyone truly qualified to discuss it.

The possibility of gout is even more frightening. Gout is, as far as I'm concerned, a disease of old men. The terror mounts having done some research (note to self: never know my enemy, they're bigger than me and probably holding all the cards), it seems to be caused by: (a) an excess of foods and beverages which I do not consume; (b) general health problems such as high blood pressure which are always followed-up with predictions of early death "if not dealt with". So that rules out (a) then.

It seems the most I can hope for is that I've been kidnapped by aliens with a bit of a co-ordination problem ("no don't put the rectal probe there") .The less happy possibilities range from multiple organ failure to the onset of the menopause.

Needless to say, colleagues treated my imminent death with less than an appropriate level of concern. However, I do sympathise: as an excuse for lateness, "a bad big toe" rivals only "leaves on the line" for lack of authenticity.

As an aside, someone has commented on my blog. I was originally going to be cool and aloof about it, but it's not really my style and I am much too excited -- thank you thank you thank you. Compliments are such nice things, I must give some to people tomorrow.


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